9/18 homework rewrite paragraph
Before:
Social media can be a detriment to my experience at UNE because I can often check my phone looking for messages from home, and this can cause problems such as being distracted in class, disconnected from the community, or simply too much screen time. In addition, I could follow a ton of UNE students on social media and argue that I have a lot of friends, but really I would just be wasting my time on basically meaningless connections.
After:
Social media can be a detriment to my college experience because I often check my phone looking for messages from loved ones. This causes problems such as being distracted in class, disconnected from the community, or having too much screen time. In addition, I could connect online with other students, but according to Konnikova, I would be wasting my time on basically meaningless connections.
Explanation:
In my original paragraph, I was already pretty concise, so I made some small changes to get my point across. I removed filler words such as “can” and “simply”. I reworded the last sentence because I did not like how it was written. When I use this paragraph for my essay, I will make sure to include a quote from Konnikova to defend my point and I will explain her quote. I will add more depth to the examples but I did not want to add too much.
